difficult time getting my point across...

We are all very territorial when it comes to the people we have connections with.
None of us want to let others into our super secret club. some of us take it as far as even when we no longer have someone in our lives we refuse to revisit anything and everything that has to do with them. Not even a restaurant. It didn't have to end on bad terms to bottle up everything that we learned along the way forever.
 The worst thing about this to me ( regardless if i may be guilty of this at times) is that if we don't bottle up and do invite people into the super secret club it is considered rude and awkward and not socially acceptable.
No boyfriend/girlfriend, mother/father inlaw, friend/bestfriend, wants to do anything you did with the person before.
I think it comes with the need to feel special. when you care about someone you want a different kind of love, trust, interaction then they have ever had with anyone else. you want to stamp your name on there heart with a branding iron. you want to be in there memory forever.
witch don't get me wrong i think all of what i said before is important! but.. there are exceptions to this in my book.

 The main ways you grow and learn as a human is through other humans. So why not share what you learn? why keep it all to your self? If someone you used to know used to do something that would always cheer you up no matter how sad you were why not share it with the people that are in your life today?
Im not telling you to force yourself to go to that restaurant, or tell there secrets, and if you need to keep somethings private then thats for you to decide. But i think that humans over the years have taken it way to far. so far that they avoid parts of town and opportunitys to spend time with the people in there life now because they are stuck on the past.
if you decide to try every flavor of something with someone but they are not longer in your life. DONT MISS OUT ON ALL THE FLAVORS.

SEX

Alright, me just as a human on this place we call earth is pretty freaking opinionated. 
That in no way means that i don't see where others are coming from or that I think i have the highest way of thought. But again i have kind of a rough draft on how i think certain things should be handled.. 
i think that people, as long as both (or more) are willing, should do it whenever, and however they want.
But When it comes to sex, for me?
 its more then an intense good feeling that you do with someone you find attractive. It is something you save for maybe 4/5 people that are one of your soul mates. ( I will talk about what a soul mate to me is in the near future probably) It is for people that have changed your life and been a part of your life in they way that very few can, it is saved for the people who you are in love with and who you want to show that part of yourself to, to be completely venerable and be able too trust them. You can make sex as ugly and as beautiful as you want, as difficult, and as easy, and sex can make or break you. I understand why some religions wait until marriage even though that is not my belief,  it is so much more powerful and incredible then you can fathom. As long as you give it the respect it demands. A thing like that is not to be messed with or taken lightly. the act of sex is actually taking two, living, breathing, thinking, feeling, people and mixing them together to create another living, breathing, thinking, and feeling thing that they are supposed to take care of, and teach, and guide. It is not the childs fault for getting berthed into a family that will not stay together or wasn't ready. that is a fucking tragedy. and that is taken to lightly in our world.  
I may not believe or act the same as some people with sex but however someone chooses to deal with it as long as you aren't interfering with someone else. It is there choice and you will respect it.  Sex is something people willingly choose to share with one another, it is a privilege for everyone to receive, not an expectation. And no matter who you are. You get to decide to have it or not EVERY SINGLE TIME. No matter the history between you. You do not owe another person something like that.

let me

Let my blood run out,

let it leave my body cold and empty,

please, i have felt plenty!

let my eyes turn grey, 

let my limbs go numb and relax.

this hell I'm in is not a place to stay,

my tolerance has met its max.

Sometimes I forget, just how alone i am.

Does seriously no one even remotely understand me!? Am I that good at hiding? Am i just that strong??
I let someone in and trust them more then anyone and feel like I am the one being needy for wanting them so badly and I do everything in my power to show them how much they mean! I come at 3am when they feel down, i always want to be around them, i try and at least TRY to admit when I'm wrong, i apologize when i accidentally hurt them (with is also not common) I let them know my secrets, I listen to theirs, they are all i want when i am down and yet they never seem to understand what i do. Every single time they have the audacity to tell me that they care more and that they put so much more in and that i don't even care about them. 
I AM GIVING YOU ALL THAT I FUCKING CAN!
They are putting a lot in to i don't deni it! but They think all because i don't cry every night, I don't fucking shatter to pieces every time they are rude, And i don't push every other person out of my life except them that "i don't give a shit"
I played that game already! I pushed all others out and i lost my mind about everything else and all reason and just paid attention to them and what happened to me? the same thing.. now i know how broken i am and weather i like it or not i physically can't lose my common sense like all of you! I am completely aware of how broken i am and before i can even think about focusing everything on you i need to help myself, because if i don't we will both break and everything will be lost within 3months. 
I am giving you all I know how and if thats not good enough.. don't ever expect me to be.

the only tears I get are from the rain.

My body aches, My chest burns, My thoughts betray me, My mood swings as much as a littler girl on a playground, But my eyes are dry…

I am at the edge of survival 24/7 but never will I jump, never will i shatter, so never will i be able to heal. 

Its not even about just you anymore. its what i became without you. Its what i aloud myself to turn into. I am so secretly weak. 

All i want is to cry.. please, just let me shatter, I'm ready.

I want to ball and ball and scream and destroy all in my wake and i want to hate and and fall and i want everyone to see me in a ball on the floor completely in pieces because thats how its supposed to go! thats what I'm supposed to do! So tell me, why can i not?

It used to just be in front of people that i couldn't but now even when i am intoxicated or alone my body refuses to react. I don't throw up, i don't cry I don't even feel pitty for myself. I kiss guys i don't want to because i know that is what is expected. I'm becoming immune to poisons. I am fully aware, I just sit and don't allow my eyes too close hoping to shed some sort of tear even from them drying out. but never does it come. never will i break or hit rock bottom so i can start getting better. I will just stay one inch away from the end and that is where is will remain.. 

Im just scared.

Hello, my name is Diana and this is my testament of how broken i am.
I have now added another thing to my list of things that scare me, along with aliens and ladders i now have an uncontrollable fear of guys who have feelings for me. 
I am so unbelievably scared to have anyone like me purely because Im not sure if i will be able to like them back. I have seen guys do things for the fear of losing me, and i have seen guys do things to try and get me when i was never theirs. I know how much i can affect them. shatter them with one wrong word. 
I catch myself pulling away from a lingering kiss, I make sure there is no future for us before i even let them near me. 
I continuously tell them not to have feelings for me and I make sure i mean nothing to them. and thats the way i like it because they mean nothing to me.. at least not lately. because when i used to let myself feel for them all i felt was guilt because its my fault i couldn't even give them myself. i couldn't even make them feel loved. 
and what ends up happening is they cut me out and i too am alone..

So lend me your hand and will concur them all.
But lend me your heart and ill just let you fall…
lend me your eyes I can change what you see. 
but your soul you must keep totally free.

In these bodies we will live. 
In these bodies we will die. 
where you invest you love. you invest your life.

Escapes.

We all have them, and no madder how much you push that you don't,  no madder how much you fight it.. you have one too.
We all have something that we do to get away from how we feel. It may be something like, running! running tell your lungs scream for air and the sweat clings your clothes to your shaking body.
or you may just shove chemicals into your body and into your bloodstream, you might do it so that you get numb, or as a silent protest that you know one day will kill you and stop the pain. or you might cut or harm yourself, because your useless, because to see your blood coming out of your body and drip to the floor so silent its deafening! but it makes you feel in control, makes you powerful, makes you feel like you deserve it.
The reality is that sooner or later we are going to have to deal with all this baggage that we keep collecting. And when it comes time to do so, How deeply buried will you be?
 how many years of heartbreak will you need to dig up until you can even pretend to deal with it? how many years of counciling will you go through? how many days will you cry so hard that your whole body aches and how many times will you let your heart re-break?
Will it be to late? will it be to heart wrenching that you end your own life?
How far will you go until you realize that its time to unpack?

Last one up

Ya'no. There is something so sweet about being the last one up after a crazy night. once everyone one is passed out and your up just with ourself either cleaning  or just even when you walk into the fresh air and breath. or sitting quietly outside looking up at the night sky. Just thinking. Just being in the present. There is something magical about that time in someones life. Just to be up late with yourself. 

A heart really can break.

Yanno, I never quite understood why people chose the organ that they did to represent love and feelings towards people. I always thought that it was because we need it to survive and when the people we love leave or do something bad we feel like we are going to die. and i do think that might be a contributing factor. 
but  no one told me what really happens to your heart when it breaks. 
no one told me that your chest physically aches and burns non stop.
no one told me that when you see them again, even for a second,  you get another crack in your heart until you can bare no more. 
no one told me that it affects how you function. like how you don't want to move, eat, and talk to anyone for fear that you will shatter. 
no one told me that even when your not thinking of them, you are still thinking about them somehow. like they never even left your head. because your heart is still aching inside, like a constant reminder.
no one told me that falling asleep, the only ecape you have would be full of them. and would wake you up every morning wishing for nothing more but to be with them.
I can still carry out my day, thank god, I can act like a more conservative version of myself. 
you used to marvel at how i could go numb in these situations. 
but the truth is, I am so badly broken that if i even let myself show anything my life would have ended a wile ago. If i let you see my weakness I would never think myself strong. 
no one told me i would do ANYTHING to stop this! to just make my heart stop burning! 
no one told me it would get to this point.
no one told me how much the pain would intensify knowing that i did this willingly. that if it wasnt for me we would still be together. 
no one told me that i would want that poison more then this one. 
and the worst part is that I know even if i am now shattered and you are with her. that it was the best thing for us. and i would go through it all again the same way.
But No One Told Me.

I am waiting

You know, during the day i am fine. I can keep my composer but once my eyes shut and this world turns black. I feel like i wake up to a world of you. I wake up and there you are. Just how i left you. Except you want it all back. every part of me because you have changed and because you love me again. 
But as we progress it all returns to again how i left it. The fighting, screaming, crying, and the lack of trust and communication.But for tho's few moments. Its bliss. Its everything i ever wanted us to be! Its my heaven.
then i wake up, and i try to only dwell on the bad part. and i think, 
"if i only can wait a little longer, maybe then he will be ready."
because honestly. thats the only thing keeping me away. 

A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, and a sound body.

Thinking about this as a tattoo.

welcome. To the valley of the temples

Much needed detox, and mediation in the temple, and bamboo forests. 

F you long distance!

It has come to my attention that I, Diana Johns, A member of these United states, can seriously not deal with long distance relationships. Its not just with boyfriend relationships. It is with anyone who i feel i need to be close with 24/7.
growing up i felt like hey!,  they are always gone who cares! or i have lived without other people this is going to be fine! but nope. with some people i just can't. I start doing what i always do when i really miss someone.
I get angry.. (big shock.)
Every little thing they do i hate! even if i am doing it to! I just nit pick every little thing about everything they say and to me? thats not okay because if i am not right in your face then i have a chance to run away. i literally just push the button and i can hide.. great diana. really just such a great problem solver..
Its not that i don't love them and i don't want to continue the conversation but if i feel bad about one thing it just snow balls until i feel like everything you are doing is a personal attack and that you hate me and ugh! Its bad.
But on the other hand..
with the people it happens with i usually have mixed feelings about them or i have a certin feeling but deep deep down i fell like its wrong.
so maybe its not that i al of a sudden hate them maybe i am just trying to push them away well i am gone so its easier. maybe thats how i actually feel about how i am treating them. maybe its not fair how i am with them and i know so when i am not actually in there face i am trying to give them a way out..
or maybe.
I am just pushing them away like usual. seeing if they can deal with me.
….
Just thought i would argue all the sides so that everyone knows there is different possibilities.
god i hope its the first one.

POEM: Where will you go?

I think as i type so we continue to be judge free here, right?

Where will you go? 

When your body ascends to the sky's and the light leaves your eyes?

What will it be like? 

To give up this never ending fight, to leave out of our worlds site?

When you get to tho's gates will you go left or right? 

will everything be pearly and white? 

will your spirit shiver when you walk in, will you quiver?

Will everyone fly around in your sky? will you create worlds and continue high?

or will you go left?

where your deepest thoughts go. and know one knows?

will you chase what has been lost and pick up what the others toss? 

Will you go where there is still drugs and rape and pain? 

because you think you can't escape the game? 

Will you go left because its all you have ever known and because you aren't used to the thrown? 

because you don't deserve it, and you will never amount to anything, and quit? 

when the decision comes, and you here that cry. where will you go?

and why?

D. J.

I have turned crazy..but I'm okay.

I remind myself of the old man in the nursery rhyme. You know, the one who is always wanting what its not? 
My life now is very spontaneous and i never know what is ever going to be around the next corner. It might have had to do with the the dramatic change in people in my life. there are so many people that i have missed that are now back in my life and that is exactly how i want them. 
  Is it selfish of me to want all of these beautiful people to never leave? I mean if you lined us all up in a room Im not sure you would be inviting us over for tea. But these crazy fucked up people are who I love, there who I am meant to be with if you ask me. They are the people who i know care. the people I now know will be in my life if i allow it. With all of our crazy personalitys comes twice the drama, twice the worries.. make that 5times the worry! but also twice the adventure, twice the laughs, and I have doubled the security i feel well i am with them. I have no trouble wondering if there is going to be someone there to stand up for me (not that i really need anyone to standup for me usually i got that covered) or someone who is willing to drop everything and come to my rescue. how unbelievably lucky am i?

What have I been doing?

wow, I look at all my old posts ( which is not many ) on this and I seem like a girl with such life and hope but i realize that I was in my darkest place when i was righting though's. 

it makes me think. "was i really in a dark place or is that what i am in now?" the life i live is so different then the one i think I live. maybe Hawaii was good, even better for me then Utah is. maybe its just my school that i just can't handle. Maybe its who is in my life. 

all my flavor for life is gone. I don't do anything. not a thing. I'm too young to just leave and go travel. I'm to old to just not deal and get bad grades and not try… Teenage years.. they are the devil. 

I miss the sun. I miss the care free lifestyle. I miss hawaii and I miss who i used to be. 

I really have no drive, no week that goes by that is just light and fluffy, no day where I really feel Great. 

I am making decisions that my conscious  mind is SCREAMING at me to stop! I am not myself. and I honestly think that there is no going back. I can't have my life this boring and so patterned! i need flavor, i need spontaneous decisions that aren't bad! 

I need the sun, and the worth back in my life.