A heart really can break.

Yanno, I never quite understood why people chose the organ that they did to represent love and feelings towards people. I always thought that it was because we need it to survive and when the people we love leave or do something bad we feel like we are going to die. and i do think that might be a contributing factor. 
but  no one told me what really happens to your heart when it breaks. 
no one told me that your chest physically aches and burns non stop.
no one told me that when you see them again, even for a second,  you get another crack in your heart until you can bare no more. 
no one told me that it affects how you function. like how you don't want to move, eat, and talk to anyone for fear that you will shatter. 
no one told me that even when your not thinking of them, you are still thinking about them somehow. like they never even left your head. because your heart is still aching inside, like a constant reminder.
no one told me that falling asleep, the only ecape you have would be full of them. and would wake you up every morning wishing for nothing more but to be with them.
I can still carry out my day, thank god, I can act like a more conservative version of myself. 
you used to marvel at how i could go numb in these situations. 
but the truth is, I am so badly broken that if i even let myself show anything my life would have ended a wile ago. If i let you see my weakness I would never think myself strong. 
no one told me i would do ANYTHING to stop this! to just make my heart stop burning! 
no one told me it would get to this point.
no one told me how much the pain would intensify knowing that i did this willingly. that if it wasnt for me we would still be together. 
no one told me that i would want that poison more then this one. 
and the worst part is that I know even if i am now shattered and you are with her. that it was the best thing for us. and i would go through it all again the same way.
But No One Told Me.

I am waiting

You know, during the day i am fine. I can keep my composer but once my eyes shut and this world turns black. I feel like i wake up to a world of you. I wake up and there you are. Just how i left you. Except you want it all back. every part of me because you have changed and because you love me again. 
But as we progress it all returns to again how i left it. The fighting, screaming, crying, and the lack of trust and communication.But for tho's few moments. Its bliss. Its everything i ever wanted us to be! Its my heaven.
then i wake up, and i try to only dwell on the bad part. and i think, 
"if i only can wait a little longer, maybe then he will be ready."
because honestly. thats the only thing keeping me away. 

A sound soul dwells within a sound mind, and a sound body.

Thinking about this as a tattoo.

welcome. To the valley of the temples

Much needed detox, and mediation in the temple, and bamboo forests. 

F you long distance!

It has come to my attention that I, Diana Johns, A member of these United states, can seriously not deal with long distance relationships. Its not just with boyfriend relationships. It is with anyone who i feel i need to be close with 24/7.
growing up i felt like hey!,  they are always gone who cares! or i have lived without other people this is going to be fine! but nope. with some people i just can't. I start doing what i always do when i really miss someone.
I get angry.. (big shock.)
Every little thing they do i hate! even if i am doing it to! I just nit pick every little thing about everything they say and to me? thats not okay because if i am not right in your face then i have a chance to run away. i literally just push the button and i can hide.. great diana. really just such a great problem solver..
Its not that i don't love them and i don't want to continue the conversation but if i feel bad about one thing it just snow balls until i feel like everything you are doing is a personal attack and that you hate me and ugh! Its bad.
But on the other hand..
with the people it happens with i usually have mixed feelings about them or i have a certin feeling but deep deep down i fell like its wrong.
so maybe its not that i al of a sudden hate them maybe i am just trying to push them away well i am gone so its easier. maybe thats how i actually feel about how i am treating them. maybe its not fair how i am with them and i know so when i am not actually in there face i am trying to give them a way out..
or maybe.
I am just pushing them away like usual. seeing if they can deal with me.
….
Just thought i would argue all the sides so that everyone knows there is different possibilities.
god i hope its the first one.

POEM: Where will you go?

I think as i type so we continue to be judge free here, right?

Where will you go? 

When your body ascends to the sky's and the light leaves your eyes?

What will it be like? 

To give up this never ending fight, to leave out of our worlds site?

When you get to tho's gates will you go left or right? 

will everything be pearly and white? 

will your spirit shiver when you walk in, will you quiver?

Will everyone fly around in your sky? will you create worlds and continue high?

or will you go left?

where your deepest thoughts go. and know one knows?

will you chase what has been lost and pick up what the others toss? 

Will you go where there is still drugs and rape and pain? 

because you think you can't escape the game? 

Will you go left because its all you have ever known and because you aren't used to the thrown? 

because you don't deserve it, and you will never amount to anything, and quit? 

when the decision comes, and you here that cry. where will you go?

and why?

D. J.

I have turned crazy..but I'm okay.

I remind myself of the old man in the nursery rhyme. You know, the one who is always wanting what its not? 
My life now is very spontaneous and i never know what is ever going to be around the next corner. It might have had to do with the the dramatic change in people in my life. there are so many people that i have missed that are now back in my life and that is exactly how i want them. 
  Is it selfish of me to want all of these beautiful people to never leave? I mean if you lined us all up in a room Im not sure you would be inviting us over for tea. But these crazy fucked up people are who I love, there who I am meant to be with if you ask me. They are the people who i know care. the people I now know will be in my life if i allow it. With all of our crazy personalitys comes twice the drama, twice the worries.. make that 5times the worry! but also twice the adventure, twice the laughs, and I have doubled the security i feel well i am with them. I have no trouble wondering if there is going to be someone there to stand up for me (not that i really need anyone to standup for me usually i got that covered) or someone who is willing to drop everything and come to my rescue. how unbelievably lucky am i?