Does seriously no one even remotely understand me!? Am I that good at hiding? Am i just that strong??
I let someone in and trust them more then anyone and feel like I am the one being needy for wanting them so badly and I do everything in my power to show them how much they mean! I come at 3am when they feel down, i always want to be around them, i try and at least TRY to admit when I'm wrong, i apologize when i accidentally hurt them (with is also not common) I let them know my secrets, I listen to theirs, they are all i want when i am down and yet they never seem to understand what i do. Every single time they have the audacity to tell me that they care more and that they put so much more in and that i don't even care about them.
I AM GIVING YOU ALL THAT I FUCKING CAN!
They are putting a lot in to i don't deni it! but They think all because i don't cry every night, I don't fucking shatter to pieces every time they are rude, And i don't push every other person out of my life except them that "i don't give a shit"
I played that game already! I pushed all others out and i lost my mind about everything else and all reason and just paid attention to them and what happened to me? the same thing.. now i know how broken i am and weather i like it or not i physically can't lose my common sense like all of you! I am completely aware of how broken i am and before i can even think about focusing everything on you i need to help myself, because if i don't we will both break and everything will be lost within 3months.
I am giving you all I know how and if thats not good enough.. don't ever expect me to be.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
the only tears I get are from the rain.
My body aches, My chest burns, My thoughts betray me, My mood swings as much as a littler girl on a playground, But my eyes are dry…
I am at the edge of survival 24/7 but never will I jump, never will i shatter, so never will i be able to heal.
Its not even about just you anymore. its what i became without you. Its what i aloud myself to turn into. I am so secretly weak.
All i want is to cry.. please, just let me shatter, I'm ready.
I want to ball and ball and scream and destroy all in my wake and i want to hate and and fall and i want everyone to see me in a ball on the floor completely in pieces because thats how its supposed to go! thats what I'm supposed to do! So tell me, why can i not?
It used to just be in front of people that i couldn't but now even when i am intoxicated or alone my body refuses to react. I don't throw up, i don't cry I don't even feel pitty for myself. I kiss guys i don't want to because i know that is what is expected. I'm becoming immune to poisons. I am fully aware, I just sit and don't allow my eyes too close hoping to shed some sort of tear even from them drying out. but never does it come. never will i break or hit rock bottom so i can start getting better. I will just stay one inch away from the end and that is where is will remain..
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Im just scared.
Hello, my name is Diana and this is my testament of how broken i am.
I have now added another thing to my list of things that scare me, along with aliens and ladders i now have an uncontrollable fear of guys who have feelings for me.
I am so unbelievably scared to have anyone like me purely because Im not sure if i will be able to like them back. I have seen guys do things for the fear of losing me, and i have seen guys do things to try and get me when i was never theirs. I know how much i can affect them. shatter them with one wrong word.
I catch myself pulling away from a lingering kiss, I make sure there is no future for us before i even let them near me.
I continuously tell them not to have feelings for me and I make sure i mean nothing to them. and thats the way i like it because they mean nothing to me.. at least not lately. because when i used to let myself feel for them all i felt was guilt because its my fault i couldn't even give them myself. i couldn't even make them feel loved.
and what ends up happening is they cut me out and i too am alone..
I have now added another thing to my list of things that scare me, along with aliens and ladders i now have an uncontrollable fear of guys who have feelings for me.
I am so unbelievably scared to have anyone like me purely because Im not sure if i will be able to like them back. I have seen guys do things for the fear of losing me, and i have seen guys do things to try and get me when i was never theirs. I know how much i can affect them. shatter them with one wrong word.
I catch myself pulling away from a lingering kiss, I make sure there is no future for us before i even let them near me.
I continuously tell them not to have feelings for me and I make sure i mean nothing to them. and thats the way i like it because they mean nothing to me.. at least not lately. because when i used to let myself feel for them all i felt was guilt because its my fault i couldn't even give them myself. i couldn't even make them feel loved.
and what ends up happening is they cut me out and i too am alone..
Monday, July 14, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Escapes.
We all have them, and no madder how much you push that you don't, no madder how much you fight it.. you have one too.
We all have something that we do to get away from how we feel. It may be something like, running! running tell your lungs scream for air and the sweat clings your clothes to your shaking body.
or you may just shove chemicals into your body and into your bloodstream, you might do it so that you get numb, or as a silent protest that you know one day will kill you and stop the pain. or you might cut or harm yourself, because your useless, because to see your blood coming out of your body and drip to the floor so silent its deafening! but it makes you feel in control, makes you powerful, makes you feel like you deserve it.
The reality is that sooner or later we are going to have to deal with all this baggage that we keep collecting. And when it comes time to do so, How deeply buried will you be?
how many years of heartbreak will you need to dig up until you can even pretend to deal with it? how many years of counciling will you go through? how many days will you cry so hard that your whole body aches and how many times will you let your heart re-break?
Will it be to late? will it be to heart wrenching that you end your own life?
How far will you go until you realize that its time to unpack?
We all have something that we do to get away from how we feel. It may be something like, running! running tell your lungs scream for air and the sweat clings your clothes to your shaking body.
or you may just shove chemicals into your body and into your bloodstream, you might do it so that you get numb, or as a silent protest that you know one day will kill you and stop the pain. or you might cut or harm yourself, because your useless, because to see your blood coming out of your body and drip to the floor so silent its deafening! but it makes you feel in control, makes you powerful, makes you feel like you deserve it.
The reality is that sooner or later we are going to have to deal with all this baggage that we keep collecting. And when it comes time to do so, How deeply buried will you be?
how many years of heartbreak will you need to dig up until you can even pretend to deal with it? how many years of counciling will you go through? how many days will you cry so hard that your whole body aches and how many times will you let your heart re-break?
Will it be to late? will it be to heart wrenching that you end your own life?
How far will you go until you realize that its time to unpack?
Friday, July 4, 2014
Last one up
Ya'no. There is something so sweet about being the last one up after a crazy night. once everyone one is passed out and your up just with ourself either cleaning or just even when you walk into the fresh air and breath. or sitting quietly outside looking up at the night sky. Just thinking. Just being in the present. There is something magical about that time in someones life. Just to be up late with yourself.
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