They are coming.

I lay, afraid. 

am i wishing you would have stayed?

I crawl into the corner because i know they are coming. 

they are coming to get me. 

i will never escape this room. 

i am not how i seem to be.

they are coming. 

they are running full speed.

they are coming to finish the deed.

they are coming. 

they are coming to take away my sanity.

they are coming to take everything i can be.

they are coming to torture me.

to rape me, stab me, beat me, destroy me. 

they are coming to my secret room. 

i know. i see as they loom.

They are waiting. 

waiting for the slightest bit of down time, the first sign of feelings from me to surface. 

they were lurking. 

and you did this. You woke them up. You fucking beat in the door. 

you released them. 

and now they are coming. They are coming. They are coming.

there is only the amount of time until they arrive. 

so I lay, Afraid. Afraid for my life.

Its not the same.

The first time it happened. It hurt.. worse in some ways.. 
But i was alive enough to write. Now no letters strung together in any way that I could try to compose  will shed any light on what is happening to me. So I remain. alone in the dark. and that is what is not the same. 

I'm sorry..

Im sorry that every time i speak it comes out wrong!
I'm sorry if i offended you
I'm sorry that i can't be happy
I'm sorry i give advice that i can't follow
I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite 
I'm sorry I'm worthless
Im so sorry
I'm sorry that everything scares me
I'm sorry that i won't lose weight 
I'm sorry that if i do i think that i will just break
I'm sorry I'm so fragile
I'm sorry that no matter what you can't see my pain
I'm sorry that i won't let you help
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry that every sound makes me jump
I'm sorry I'm useless 
I'm sorry i get so dependent
I'm sorry that i can never get my shit together 
I'm sorry i act like i know everything
I'm sorry you are with me
I'm sorry my hair isn't the right length and my face will never be smooth
I'm sorry I'm ugly
I'm sorry I'm not motivated 
I'm sorry I'm too scared to try
I'm sorry for being sad
I'm sorry I'm hopeless
I'm sorry I'm weak
im so sorry.. please. just don't leave. 
please don't leave me alone again.
i don't want to be alone again.
please. I'm sorry... please

difficult time getting my point across...

We are all very territorial when it comes to the people we have connections with.
None of us want to let others into our super secret club. some of us take it as far as even when we no longer have someone in our lives we refuse to revisit anything and everything that has to do with them. Not even a restaurant. It didn't have to end on bad terms to bottle up everything that we learned along the way forever.
 The worst thing about this to me ( regardless if i may be guilty of this at times) is that if we don't bottle up and do invite people into the super secret club it is considered rude and awkward and not socially acceptable.
No boyfriend/girlfriend, mother/father inlaw, friend/bestfriend, wants to do anything you did with the person before.
I think it comes with the need to feel special. when you care about someone you want a different kind of love, trust, interaction then they have ever had with anyone else. you want to stamp your name on there heart with a branding iron. you want to be in there memory forever.
witch don't get me wrong i think all of what i said before is important! but.. there are exceptions to this in my book.

 The main ways you grow and learn as a human is through other humans. So why not share what you learn? why keep it all to your self? If someone you used to know used to do something that would always cheer you up no matter how sad you were why not share it with the people that are in your life today?
Im not telling you to force yourself to go to that restaurant, or tell there secrets, and if you need to keep somethings private then thats for you to decide. But i think that humans over the years have taken it way to far. so far that they avoid parts of town and opportunitys to spend time with the people in there life now because they are stuck on the past.
if you decide to try every flavor of something with someone but they are not longer in your life. DONT MISS OUT ON ALL THE FLAVORS.

SEX

Alright, me just as a human on this place we call earth is pretty freaking opinionated. 
That in no way means that i don't see where others are coming from or that I think i have the highest way of thought. But again i have kind of a rough draft on how i think certain things should be handled.. 
i think that people, as long as both (or more) are willing, should do it whenever, and however they want.
But When it comes to sex, for me?
 its more then an intense good feeling that you do with someone you find attractive. It is something you save for maybe 4/5 people that are one of your soul mates. ( I will talk about what a soul mate to me is in the near future probably) It is for people that have changed your life and been a part of your life in they way that very few can, it is saved for the people who you are in love with and who you want to show that part of yourself to, to be completely venerable and be able too trust them. You can make sex as ugly and as beautiful as you want, as difficult, and as easy, and sex can make or break you. I understand why some religions wait until marriage even though that is not my belief,  it is so much more powerful and incredible then you can fathom. As long as you give it the respect it demands. A thing like that is not to be messed with or taken lightly. the act of sex is actually taking two, living, breathing, thinking, feeling, people and mixing them together to create another living, breathing, thinking, and feeling thing that they are supposed to take care of, and teach, and guide. It is not the childs fault for getting berthed into a family that will not stay together or wasn't ready. that is a fucking tragedy. and that is taken to lightly in our world.  
I may not believe or act the same as some people with sex but however someone chooses to deal with it as long as you aren't interfering with someone else. It is there choice and you will respect it.  Sex is something people willingly choose to share with one another, it is a privilege for everyone to receive, not an expectation. And no matter who you are. You get to decide to have it or not EVERY SINGLE TIME. No matter the history between you. You do not owe another person something like that.

let me

Let my blood run out,

let it leave my body cold and empty,

please, i have felt plenty!

let my eyes turn grey, 

let my limbs go numb and relax.

this hell I'm in is not a place to stay,

my tolerance has met its max.

Sometimes I forget, just how alone i am.

Does seriously no one even remotely understand me!? Am I that good at hiding? Am i just that strong??
I let someone in and trust them more then anyone and feel like I am the one being needy for wanting them so badly and I do everything in my power to show them how much they mean! I come at 3am when they feel down, i always want to be around them, i try and at least TRY to admit when I'm wrong, i apologize when i accidentally hurt them (with is also not common) I let them know my secrets, I listen to theirs, they are all i want when i am down and yet they never seem to understand what i do. Every single time they have the audacity to tell me that they care more and that they put so much more in and that i don't even care about them. 
I AM GIVING YOU ALL THAT I FUCKING CAN!
They are putting a lot in to i don't deni it! but They think all because i don't cry every night, I don't fucking shatter to pieces every time they are rude, And i don't push every other person out of my life except them that "i don't give a shit"
I played that game already! I pushed all others out and i lost my mind about everything else and all reason and just paid attention to them and what happened to me? the same thing.. now i know how broken i am and weather i like it or not i physically can't lose my common sense like all of you! I am completely aware of how broken i am and before i can even think about focusing everything on you i need to help myself, because if i don't we will both break and everything will be lost within 3months. 
I am giving you all I know how and if thats not good enough.. don't ever expect me to be.